I love compliments just as much as anyone else. And I do my best to take them graciously. Over the course of the last year I have received more or less the same compliment from numerous people, some of whom I barely know and barely know me. It goes something like this, “Courtney, you have a kind, gentle heart. You are a very nurturing person and someday you will make a great mother. You know how to be stern but compassionate at the same time. You are always taking care of people and things, and you do it well.” How do I take that? Me, I see my life slipping away for that opportunity. Yea, sure, I’m only 26 almost 27. BUT! I’m no where near dating anyone right now. I’m no where near becoming someone’s mother. So, how do I accept those compliments? Well, I thank them of course, as tears well up in my eyes and I try not to show too much emotion towards my greatest fear.
I know all the self doubts that I have come from Satan. And with the help of God I can make it through the temptations to give in to the self doubts. But it still rips me up inside. My one desire in life, after following God with all my heart, is to be a wife and a mother. Maybe God is leading these people in my life to say those things to me as a way of reassuring me that yes, someday it will happen. I can only pray that that is true.
But you see, I had (still have) a plan. Married by 24, children by 27/28, then married/family life from that point on. And still, as I have passed those planned ages of having accomplished life marks, I mentally still plan. Well, if I met a guy tomorrow, we’ll date for a year or so, engaged for a year, married (now I’ll be pushing 30), well, can’t wait now too long for kids so instead of 4 years of just being married and enjoying ourselves having fun and traveling we’ll knock it down to 2. That’s the kind of dialog that goes on in my head.
I am a planner and an analyzer. Hence the problem, how do you accept a compliment about being a nurturing, gentle hearted great mother of the some days in the future…?